I want to suck your cock messily, choke myself on it, drink your cum

Why do I want to suck cock so much more when I'm drunk? Why does silly, messy sex seem an unadulterated pleasure, instead of a task for which I must prime myself, and even then not reach full success? I can only conclude that sobriety itself is a form of intoxication. I sincerely don't want to get all Freudian in this bitch, with all that id/ego/superego bullshit. But I can surely say from experience that I have better sex when I'm drunk.

When I'm sober, there's a certain amount I cannot relax. I WANT to, god knows, but I can't. It's not that I won't, it is seriously that I can't. I have neuroses piled atop insecurities x10, so maybe this isn't surprising? I wish it were. (<-- lol english subjunctive yussss) Intoxication from alcohol has its own limits, so it's silly to depend on it (aside from the fact that I don't WANT to have to depend on it). I'm just WAAAY too guarded to fully give myself over to anyone in sobriety.

I imagine that making that choice would be that much more thrilling if I were.

:(

(It doesn't help that I am a kinky cunt and my bf is pretty vanilla. I mean he pulls my hair sometimes and holds my neck, but the very manner of his actions say "this is an effort for me". He is not a natural dom. Which is okay. I love him and have never been happier with anyone else.)