I feel so gut-wrenchingly agonizingly lonely. I want to curl up, rake my nails over my skin, tear my hair out of my scalp, rock back and forth, keen slowly, stab things, cup myself because no one else will hold me. I keep crying. I'm so lonely. It's acute now because most of the time I am (pretend to be?) just horny but now I am craving love and affection. Jesus Christ I want someone to hold me so so badly. I haven't had a best friend in over a year and I can't keep going on as if that's not affecting me. I have no external validation and a pig-headed idiotic will that I shouldn't need any. I can't even imagine believing that someone is fond of me, let alone being able to accept physical contact without panicking. Even Jimi, those months ago, made me cry when he wanted to kiss me, and I never lusted after/Loved him (loved him yes not Loved him). And he was so kind and tolerant, and I had known and trusted him for years. Even as I desire affection I believe it impossible. I really, really wish that weren't the case. I wish I could believe in something resembling love but when I hunker down and consider it it seems too implausible. I recognize its existence everywhere else but cannot graft that idea into my own emotional landscape. Am I alone in this?-- When I watch people interact lovingly I either assume without malice that it's a charade or boggle that there could be such a communion between two people. My lovely schism: m/f interaction must be non-sexual/romantic/loving, either as friends or as porn. How happy. I want someone to hold me and fuck me and love me but I can't conceive of that happening or of me accepting it if it did. I am too suspicious of trollery. GUESS WHAT JOKES ON YOU YOU TROLL URSELF FAG. This was supposed to be a cathartic release of anguish and instead it turned into yet another pointless, circuitous, needlessly pedantic, looking-at-it-from-many-angles-but-guess-what-you're-in-a-hall-of-mirrors-so-all-
your-data-is-irrelevant polemic that no one else could wade through. Fuck. Well at least I'm not shivering and crying anymore.
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I really like these quotes:
"There is no formula for generating the authentic warmth of love. It cannot be copied. You cannot talk yourself into it or rouse it by straining at the emotions or by dedicating yourself solemnly to the service of mankind. Everyone has love, but it can only come out when he is convinced of the impossibility and the frustration of trying to love himself. This conviction will not come through condemnations, through hating oneself, through calling self love bad names in the universe. It comes only in the awareness that one has no self to love."
-- Alan Watts [The Wisdom of Insecurity (1951)]
"The man of wood sings,
The woman of stone gets up and dances,
This cannot be done by passion of learning,
It cannot be done by reasoning."
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