Dear Tushar,

I wanted to write this to you last night when our discussion was fresh in my mind. Right now, I just have a sort of emotional state to go off of, not really a lot of specifics points to make, so please forgive me.

First off, I just want to clarify: I was wrong, and I'm sorry. If that wasn't clear before I want to make it clear now. In lieu of explanation, I'd like to offer (honestly) that I'm so used to being on my own, in private matters, that it's not yet second nature for me to think twice: Does this affect the other party involved? I am very open regarding some things (and closed in others); too open, some might opine; whatever the case might be, I am in many ways a solitary person and am accustomed to communicating with others suchly. It's bullish ignorance that made me act the way I did, so I'm sorry. I don't have much to offer in the way of Bolden, except that I was very drunk. Not a great excuse, as it both points out a symptom of a substance problem (changing personality under influence) AND shows thay my coping mechanisms for dealing with big, new cocks issues are haywire (more on that later).

Second point - I'm pretty damn grateful that you are (so far eehnnnhh) willing to not only put up with my shit, but educate me about it in a constructive way. I don't think I've ever genuinely wanted to please someone more than I want to please you. When you communicate something to me (and part of the reason I'm attracted to you is because of your honesty and lack of passive aggression), I take it seriously and try to learn from it. I know I am remedial-level in the subject of relationships, but I hope I'm proving to be an apt pupil.

Slightly relatedly, I'm still not sure how I feel about the actual act. Odd, I know; I was entreating you fairly often, and god knows I've wanted to do it for a long time. I just feel... fuck, the problem is that I don't know how I feel about it. For sure I feel much more changed than I did when I lost my va-jay-jay vir-gin-gin (but I didn't feel at all altered by that so the bar was not high). I think I might feel slightly "dirty", though I'm not sure. The actual act was, as I said, enjoyable. Anyhow, I'm still working through shit in my head about it. So how do you feel?

(Unrequited) Lurve,
Christina

I just had what I dearly hope is a false epiphany. I was watching the 2004 version of Peter Pan that my bizarre coworker lent me, and at the end when the children come back, the father greets them stiffly... but of course you know he's just slightly stunted: really he's ecstatic to have them back. Michael asks, "Did you miss us?" and then comes Mr. Darling's breakdown that of course he did miss them. What was unfortunate was that at that moment I suddenly remembered how my father left me behind a few towns over when I was about 11 and I wandered, sad and lost, for hours. This jarring memory combined with the grossly sentimental family reunion in the movie caused me to burst out crying, thinking over and over that my father doesn't love me. And this remained! Through the entire denouement I KEPT crying despite myself, halfway ignoring the entire resolution of the fucking thing. Now, I'm bothered twofold: (1) Yes yes, I know he loves me, and for years, he's evinced this in a much more meaningful way than my mother has (2) Why should I fucking care? If our "rapport" during my childhood convinced me he didn't, why would it bother me so much, why would it even be a revelation? HOW MANY PEOPLE LIVE WITH WORSE PAIN AUUGHGHGHH I can't stand feeling sorry for myself

But yeah I really hope "myfatherdoesntloveme myfatherdoesntloveme myfatherdoesntloveme" isn't a real epiphany. I just wish it didn't feel like it was. I have stifled my tears to that end (as you can tell from the fact that I'm now doing that "HPHPHP" thing every time I attempt to take a deep breath).

my dad doesn't love me ;_;