I just had what I dearly hope is a false epiphany. I was watching the 2004 version of Peter Pan that my bizarre coworker lent me, and at the end when the children come back, the father greets them stiffly... but of course you know he's just slightly stunted: really he's ecstatic to have them back. Michael asks, "Did you miss us?" and then comes Mr. Darling's breakdown that of course he did miss them. What was unfortunate was that at that moment I suddenly remembered how my father left me behind a few towns over when I was about 11 and I wandered, sad and lost, for hours. This jarring memory combined with the grossly sentimental family reunion in the movie caused me to burst out crying, thinking over and over that my father doesn't love me. And this remained! Through the entire denouement I KEPT crying despite myself, halfway ignoring the entire resolution of the fucking thing. Now, I'm bothered twofold: (1) Yes yes, I know he loves me, and for years, he's evinced this in a much more meaningful way than my mother has (2) Why should I fucking care? If our "rapport" during my childhood convinced me he didn't, why would it bother me so much, why would it even be a revelation? HOW MANY PEOPLE LIVE WITH WORSE PAIN AUUGHGHGHH I can't stand feeling sorry for myself

But yeah I really hope "myfatherdoesntloveme myfatherdoesntloveme myfatherdoesntloveme" isn't a real epiphany. I just wish it didn't feel like it was. I have stifled my tears to that end (as you can tell from the fact that I'm now doing that "HPHPHP" thing every time I attempt to take a deep breath).

my dad doesn't love me ;_;