Dear Tushar,

I wanted to write this to you last night when our discussion was fresh in my mind. Right now, I just have a sort of emotional state to go off of, not really a lot of specifics points to make, so please forgive me.

First off, I just want to clarify: I was wrong, and I'm sorry. If that wasn't clear before I want to make it clear now. In lieu of explanation, I'd like to offer (honestly) that I'm so used to being on my own, in private matters, that it's not yet second nature for me to think twice: Does this affect the other party involved? I am very open regarding some things (and closed in others); too open, some might opine; whatever the case might be, I am in many ways a solitary person and am accustomed to communicating with others suchly. It's bullish ignorance that made me act the way I did, so I'm sorry. I don't have much to offer in the way of Bolden, except that I was very drunk. Not a great excuse, as it both points out a symptom of a substance problem (changing personality under influence) AND shows thay my coping mechanisms for dealing with big, new cocks issues are haywire (more on that later).

Second point - I'm pretty damn grateful that you are (so far eehnnnhh) willing to not only put up with my shit, but educate me about it in a constructive way. I don't think I've ever genuinely wanted to please someone more than I want to please you. When you communicate something to me (and part of the reason I'm attracted to you is because of your honesty and lack of passive aggression), I take it seriously and try to learn from it. I know I am remedial-level in the subject of relationships, but I hope I'm proving to be an apt pupil.

Slightly relatedly, I'm still not sure how I feel about the actual act. Odd, I know; I was entreating you fairly often, and god knows I've wanted to do it for a long time. I just feel... fuck, the problem is that I don't know how I feel about it. For sure I feel much more changed than I did when I lost my va-jay-jay vir-gin-gin (but I didn't feel at all altered by that so the bar was not high). I think I might feel slightly "dirty", though I'm not sure. The actual act was, as I said, enjoyable. Anyhow, I'm still working through shit in my head about it. So how do you feel?

(Unrequited) Lurve,
Christina