My birthday

My birthday was nice. It was just "nice" because it was a little disappointing but it was also full of good moments. Here's something I just realized. I never feel sure that I'm loved when I'm around a group of people. Only when I am with one person with whom I am close does my guard really come down. I never want to organize outings, especially if they are centered around me, because the more people there are, the less sure I get that anyone wants to be there and with me. A huge number of people would mean no one likes me at all. Lunch was a bit of a bust because I wanted Radio Maria's lunch menu. However when we arrived only their tapas section was open. The food was just pretty decent (which was already a little bit disappointing I have to admit) but overpriced because hey, tapas bar and dinner menu. (They switch to dinner menu at 2:30.) The waitress was earnest and eager to please and helpful. It was very nice to be around my brother, who was really great all of today, Moses, Ros, DanHill, Paul, Justin K, Veronica, and Aisha. Then some people departed (Ros and Veronica to capoeira, Justin to something) and the rest of us went home and in a silly foray stopped for chocolate chocolate dip cones at Dairy Queen. Then because the weather was so fine we stayed outside for a bit. Then we went in and watched some funny internet videos, played Guitar Hero, and watched an episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus. I have the DVD set. We had decided to go to the 7:30 show of 300. At the last moment Aisha wanted to go home instead. With some phone maneuvering we arranged to meet Jose and Justin at the theater, and departed. Jose we were able to meet but not Justin. We got some of the last tickets before the show sold out. As a result the theater was crowded and humid and we couldn't get seats together. I sat close to the front with my brother. The movie was real good. Nerd movies do not disappoint (me). I'm going to see it again, probably with some of the people who didn't get a chance to yet. Moses saw one of his ex-girlfriends there and afterwards in the lobby she was explaining why she didn't like it. She had a cutely styled haircut and a twee yellow overcoat and probably ballet flats for all I know, and she was saying that she had been watching French and Russian artsy (her word) films lately so this dialogue was subpar. I wanted to punch her in the throat for being such a transparent meaningless cunt but I did a very good job of conducting a sympathetic engaged conversation. Then Jose left and Moses dropped DanHill near his house so he could hang out with his special lady friend. (I am a little jealous of their relationship. Dan is just as fucked up as me and they seem so genuinely happy together and things are so swell for them. She's really pretty too. I'm nowhere near jealous enough to wish them harm but there is a sharp sadness there.) Then he dropped my brother and me at my apartment, and went to host his radio show. My brother rode his bike home. I went inside and Ros and Aisha came in soon. I was excited to go to Boltini as I had been craving their really excellent martinis. After some fun dallying we left. When we got there there was a long line and possibly cover, and it was crowded. I could tell Ros didn't want to be there, and probably Aisha a little too, so we cut and run. I was pretty sad about this but soon I was fine. Then we went to Schnuck's and got a thing of Breyer's mint chocolate chip. We took it back to the apartment and ate it together and watched Monty Python. Then Aisha left and Ros went to bed (she had to open the coffeehouse the next morning). I finished another Python episode though they are not good alone, but fortunately Paul came home somewhere into it. He drank a big Corona as we finished it and then watched an episode of Arrested Development. Then I came up here to write this, but I looked at facebook, 4chan, nerve, and Vice first. I read a story whose author blurb made my loneliness piquant. It burns and blossoms sometimes, quickly, then subsides as an undercurrent with a strong presence. Then depending on stimuli it will assert itself again and again. It's still here but I didn't cry. I think I relish it. Good night!

A note: I borrowed my friend's mandolin and am slowly attempting to teach it to myself. The strings are fifths apart (aren't guitars fourths?).