Dear Alex

Dear Alex,

Until recently, when I thought about you, I'd get heartsick. I'd get nauseous, feel empty, rock back and forth, sob, all that. So I was glad when we finally got together last Saturday. Even though we didn't end very well, we got a lot of things out and clarified. I did feel shitty that my life has become even more dreary and yours has seemed to get a bit better. (I say "seemed" because by appearances you have withdrawn from almost all of your friends, are slowly estranging your family, have willingly become brainwashed by a girl, and all that. But from what you say about it, the outlook appears positive.) We ended on a bit of a sour note, as I mentioned, but I felt at least a little hope-- of course we can never be best friends again, but the intermittent contact of an acquaintance felt good to have secured, and also to have that line of communication open for possible future enhancement, if we have both healed sufficiently.

However the email I received from you shortly after I got home betrayed to me your true character. Too much of a pussy to say it while we were face to face, you are choosing to cut off all communication with me. What's worse is that this is at least partially motivated not by your own desire to heal but rather by your girlfriend's anxieties. I was aware that you had sunk into her personality a la Ikari Gendo's hand into Ayanami Rei; each reminder was a sharp pang, and this one of course was immensely worse than the others. You are a coward. You say you are healing but so far that has consisted of running away from almost everything that has defined your past, culminating in an actual running-away to where all roads lead, NYC. And Manya's Jewish vagina. And instead of allowing me to heal, you've supplemented my still-suppressed misery with anger and hatred. (LOL ur turning me into a Sith lord lol) The vibes of scornful pity I sensed were really the icing on the cake. Thank you for adding an abandonment complex to all of my other neuroses to which you have been exclusively and exhaustively privy.

I hate you. Of course, I still love you. But I really, really hate you.
-Christina

OH jesus christ this should not go in the same post but i am so incredibly lonely i feel as though i will shatter/melt
oh what happened to my friend he's not there anymore don't you remember the memories you fucker conversations about gigantic asexual angels and bugbots and baking bread and brazilian jiu-jitsu and tigrinya and animats and acm you know it wasn't all drama it wasn't all lonely nights clinging to each other like baby rhesus monkeys remember the time i felt your aura haha why did you go away you horrible person you're a different person such a drastic schism there is no better way to make even the parts of me that i was okay with feel completely worthless i know i hurt you too i know you agonized and even before that you felt rejected and humiliated and you suffered a lot in private which i feel even worse about but please please don't leave me alone i have no one else but great news i'm starting medication aren't you happy you fucker